How Not To Say What You Mean

That title up there is lifted right off a dictionary of euphemisms by RW Holder I had picked up from Raman’s private little kingdom, a.k.a. Rachna Bookshop, sometime last year. In fact, it was the book title that had grabbed my attention in the first place, simply because it sounded more of a goat than a sheep. While most ‘How to…’ paperbacks normally offer to give us the lowdown on how to say what we mean, here was this mean fat hardbound that promised to help you unlearn whatever you’ve learnt so far.

But am I going to wax eloquent over this dictionary that I hardly use? No. So why did I waste an entire paragraph talking about it? Because the subject matter of this piece is our tendency to resort to euphemisms in our feeble attempt to make an offensive or awkward situation less offensive or awkward. Besides, I happen to really like that title.

So, heading straight to the crux of the matter, let me ask you - have you been paying attention to our politically correct conversations lately? We no longer get straight to the point. We take a roundabout, sugarcoat our lame conversations with unhealthy doses of artificial sweetners and just leave a hint of what we actually mean. The end result is a large number of words, which get the message right across, are jostling to get themselves enrolled in the list of endangered vocabulary.

Take for instance the word ‘fat’. It is an inoffensive word as long as it is strictly uttered in context of Garfield, the comicstrip cat. Want to lose a female friend? Try telling her she’s become fat. And if someone asks you “Do I look fat?”, the correct answer always is a straight-faced “No!” If honesty is still your best policy [even in this age!], you can still get away without lying with a little help from an inoffensive ‘fat’ word substitute – ‘healthy’. The slightly bolder ones can try ‘you’ve put on a little bit of weight’, but at your own risk. Reaction to this statement varies from person to person.

Wrinkles. Another endangered word. In a civilised conversation, you don’t bring out that word. Ever. Even the cosmetic companies have learnt from their mistakes. Anti-wrinkle creams are no longer packaged in that name. They have now been rechristened ‘anti-aging’ cream. It’s the same thing, come to think of it, but it sounds a little less wrinkled.

But our double standards come to the fore whenever we see a possible piece of art or photograph featuring an old, wrinkly face. In such arty-farty instances, the face is not marred by wrinkles but marked by ‘character’ that ‘comes with age’. And while we spend a small fortune to get rid of wrinkles on our faces, we pretend to find pleasure in drooling over the very wrinkles on someone else’s face.

Petite. Another word that makes me laugh. Though many opt to use this word to describe themselves, the fact remains that using an exotic sounding French word does not make one ‘not short’. ‘Oriental’ is another word. Nobody uses the word ‘Mongolian’ anymore. I tried doing that on my blog a couple of months ago and was reprimanded by a fellow blogger. Mongolian sounds ugly, uncool, I’m told. Oriental, on the other hand, suggests something exotic. Huh? Okay, let me try this. Petite Oriental lady. Hmm… Short Mongoloid. Eww… Maybe that blogger was right.

Half-pants and chappals sound boring, ugly and uncool. And no person in his right ‘fashion-conscious’ mind dyes his/her hair anymore. Hair dye is for grandma and half-pants [or hap-pen] for our country cousins. Cool cats like us wear shorts and flip-flops and colour our hair.

Fashion and looks department are not the only places were euphemisms abound. It even finds its way to our mundane everyday life. Like for instance, irregular power supply is labeled off as ‘temporary inconvenience due to repair or upgradation works’. Ditto with our present state of internet service, or lack thereof. Bad, slosh covered roads due to ongoing governmental construction works? Well, that’s another ‘temporary inconvenience’ we lesser mortals have to suffer in the larger interest of the community.

Playing right now in my Winamp is Depeche Mode’s Enjoy The Silence. “Words are very unnecessary…” I guess that’s a cue for me to stop.

Midweek, 20-26 September, 2006